On Security and Fogiveness

Here is an interesting request for help that the Holy Spirit had me respond to recently:

I don't know how to explain this without going into a little detail. so here it goes.

I'm 28 and i have two older brothers one is 33 and the other is 31. Well the 31 year old is well i guess very wordly, to say the least. He has abused his wife. physically and emotionally, used his family lied manipulated and stolen, basically anything bad you can name he has done. My mom is the kind of person who will not admit that he has part in how bad his life has become. I am having a really hard time just being arounf him. And God really tested me this weekend when he showed up at our church. Ordinarily I would have sat with my mom but opted to stay in the nursery that day. I know this all sounds really awful, but that isn't all of it so please don't think that I am just being an awful christian. When I was about 4 or 5 he also molested me. I didn't even remember until about 5 years ago, and it only happened once. My mom doesn't know, she thinks I am just having a hard time forgiving all his other indiscreations. But I can't even be around hime, he makes my skin crawl. And I know God wants me to forgive , but I don't think I can. And my mom doesn't really understand why. Now he might show up church again this sunday, and I know how wrong it is for me to say this, but I don't want him there. I feel like my whole sense of security is gone. I don't know what to do can someone please help me?


Here is the reply I felt led to share with her:

First of all, let me commend you for reaching out for help with this difficult situation. Bitterness and anger are to our spirit and soul as sulphuric acid is to the body: They will eat you alive if not quickly neutralized.

May I suggest that until you deal with with the problem of your sense of security, you will have a difficult - if not impossible - time dealing with forgiveness issues. If you are basing your sense of security on your attending church, on your brothers actions, on past experiences or on anything else other than your relationship to God (specifically, who you are in Christ Jesus), then you are building your house of security on a foundation of shifting sand, and it is bound to collapse and fail you.

You see, here’s what I mean: When you become a born again Believer and make Jesus Christ Lord of your life, you become a child of God through the indwelling presence of Christ (Rom 8:9-16). When God becomes your Father, and you humble yourself under His mighty hand, you allow Him to be the Source of all your needs, including the need for security (which happens to be one of a woman’s most important needs). Paul addresses this idea no less than three times in chapter 4 of his epistle to the Philippians. First, in verses 5-7 he says, “Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in EVERYTHING, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests (read - “needs”) to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and you minds in Christ Jesus.” Next, in verse 13 he says, “I can do EVERYTHING (even deal with your brother and mom) through Him who gives me strength.” Finally, in verse 19 he declares, “And my God will meet all your needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus.” Jesus tells us in Matt 6:25-34 that when we seek FIRST the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, all of our other needs will be met.

Your problems concerning not being able to put your past behind you and not being able to forgive are closely related to a common issue: Not understanding, or not believing, what God has done for YOU, as well as for all mankind; so let’s take a look at that for a few moments. When Jesus came into the world 2000 years ago in order to restore mankind’s ability to have a personal relationship with God, there were two obstacles which had to be resolved: 1) The punishment due for the sins of all men, which is physical death (“...the wages of sin is death” - Rom 6), had to be paid; and 2) The dead spirit (ie, separation from God) all men inherit from Adam because of his disobedience to God’s command had to be restored to life. Think of it this way: If someone you knew died of a disease, and you had the power to bring that person back to life, you would need to do two things. First, you would have to cure the disease (or they would just die again) and then you would need to give them life (or they would just be a healed corpse). Jesus overcame these two obstacles in this way: He gave His life for us (death on the cross), so that He could give His life (resurrected from death) to us, so that He could live His life through us. Hebrews 10:8-18 (please take a few moments to read this) describes how Jesus’ death on the cross resolved the first issue. There are two things you need to get a hold of here: 1) Jesus paid the price for all men for all time (verse 12), and 2) The Holy Spirit of God testifies that as a result of Christ’s sacrifice “Their (Mankind’s) sins and lawless acts I will remember no more. And where these HAVE BEEN FORGIVEN, there is no longer any sacrifice for sin.”(vrs 17-18).
Then, 2 Cor 5:14-21 (again, please read this before going on) describes how Jesus, through His resurrection (victory over death) resolved the second obstacle by providing new life to those who will receive it and making US ministers of God’s reconciliation, which is the heart of the Good News of the Gospel. Take particular note of verses 16-19: “So from now on (after we receive Christ into our life) we regard NO ONE (including your brother and mom) from a worldly point of view. Though we once regarded Christ in this way, we do so no longer. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come. All this is from God, who reconciled (past tense) us to Himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: That God was reconciling the world to Himself in Christ, NOT COUNTING MEN’S SINS AGAINST THEM.”

You see, Angelray, if you have not made Jesus Christ Lord of your life, you will have to take some of the worldly advice you’ve received here and try and solve your dilemma(s) from a human perspective, which seldom gives you total relief or a lasting peace. But if you are a born again Believer, in view of the Scriptures we’ve looked at above, let me ask you a couple of questions: 1) Are you more important than Christ? Because when you say that you can’t forgive someone, after He already has, isn’t that what you are indicating? 2) Do you know better how to handle your past than God? Because when you say you can’t forget what you’ve done in the past, or others have done to you, isn’t that what you’re suggesting? I mean, if God says that He has already forgotten men’s sins and lawless acts, who do you think is reminding you of those things? (Here’s a great saying: When the devil starts reminding you of your past, start reminding him of his future. Remember, the One who is in you is greater than he that is in the world - 1 John 4:4)

Now please don’t misunderstand me here...I’m not saying that Believers should condone or ignore the evils that people do in this world, because surely that would only encourage them to do more evil. Instead, we need to get alone with the Father and ask for His help, guidance and strength in handling these situations as ministers of His love and His message of reconciliation; because until these people get Life and a new heart, they will seldom change their ways. Let those around you see God working in your life and, believe me, they will be convicted of a need for Him in theirs. Let’s face it...If you are avoiding being around your brother, or acting like he “makes your skin crawl” when you are, he’s probably not going to experience that through you. His coming to church may be the start of his new life in Christ - only God knows what is in His heart. But remember the parable of the prodigal son in Luke 15:11-32? Surely you don’t want to identify with the jealous sibling.

Finally, consider the words of Paul in Eph 4:31-32: “Get rid of ALL bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with EVERY form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, FORGIVING EACH OTHER, JUST AS IN CHRIST GOD FORGAVE YOU.” Remember, if there is no peace and joy in what you are doing, then God is probably not in it. There’s a saying about this that rings true: No God, no peace...Know God, know peace.

I have petitioned God to help you deal with this situation, and I look forward to hearing your praise report on the results.